Not Avoiding and Not Over-reacting
In this issue:
· Insights Into Practices: High standards and flexibility
· Non-violent communication
· A Poem: Why I Am Happy, by William Stafford
· Half-day Retreat: In-person and online
Insights Into Practices: Not Avoiding and Not Over-reacting
I love how in my executive coaching practice I often learn and grow from the richness of the conversations I’m having with my clients. Recently a CEO asked me how to most skillfully work with one of his leaders who he described as an important part of his team. He told me that this person has very high standards, is detail oriented, and has high expectations of others. These were all positive attributes that the CEO wanted to support.
At the same time, this CEO was aware that this leader sometimes lacked flexibility. Those who worked with him often felt criticized and at times unfairly judged and not supported.
What to do?
We want the people we work with to have high standards. It’s useful to recognize that the shadow side of high standards can be being overly critical and demanding of others.
We also want flexibility and a sense of understanding from those we work with. We want leaders who value empathy and are curious about other’s experiences. It’s useful to acknowledge that the shadow side of flexibility and empathy can be a lack of holding to high standards and a lowering of striving for excellence.
I asked the CEO I was coaching how it might go if he were to have a direct conversation with this leader that might go something like:
“I really appreciate your efforts, and all you do for the company. I appreciate that you hold yourself and others to high standards, standards of excellence. That’s a quality I value and want from everyone in the company.
At the same time, I’ve observed, and hear from some of the people who work with you, that you can at times be experienced as harsh and demanding.
Without giving up your high standards, I need to you be more aware and more flexible. This means practicing perspective-taking; being aware of how your words and actions impact others, and to be interested in how you can skillfully coach and mentors those who work with you.
Is this something you are aware of? Have you received this feedback in this role, or in previous roles, or in other parts of your life?”
I noticed that the CEO was taking lots of notes as we spoke. I too was taking notes – noticing how important and how challenging it can be to not avoid or suppress my feelings and at the same time to not get caught, to get emotionally charged, and over-react.
He said this felt like a really important conversation to have. And, that there were many important conversations within his organization, (and in his life) that needed to take place.
We spoke about this being one of the great challenges and opportunities of leadership. As a leader it’s important to be aware and tuned in to how people around you are communicating, and to be aware of your own feelings and emotions. Then, to not avoid or suppress and not over-react. The practice and aspiration is to have healthy and effective conversations.
Practice:
Where do you fall on the spectrum of holding yourself and others to high standards and at the same time, flexibility and understanding?
Do you tend to under-react or to over-react? How can you train yourself to be more aware, curious, and skillful?
What is your leadership edge? What do you need to develop more of?
Non-violent Communication
After re-reading what I wrote above, I couldn’t help notice that my suggestion was very much aligned with the Non-violent Communication model as originally developed by Marshall Rosenberg.
The four parts of this model are:
Observe – state what you have seen or heard
Feelings – name your feelings, as best as you can
Needs – state your needs
Requests – make a clear request
I followed this model fairly closely in the coaching example.
· I’ve observed that you are a valuable team member and can be experienced as harsh at times.
· I feel concerned about how you are communicating.
· I need you to be more aware of how you influence others.
· I request that you explore being more empathic and understanding.
One of my favorite books on the topic of non-violent communication is Being Genuine, by Thomas d’Ansembourg
A Poem
Why I Am Happy, by William Stafford
Now has come, an easy time. I let it
roll. There is a lake somewhere
so blue and far nobody owns it.
A wind comes by and a willow listens
gracefully.
I hear all this, every summer. I laugh
and cry for every turn of the world,
its terribly cold, innocent spin.
That lake stays blue and free; it goes
on and on.
And I know where it is.
Half Day Meditation Retreat, Sunday, April 7th
Mill Valley and Online
9:30 a.m. – 12:30 a.m.
In our world of busyness, of more/faster/better, this half-day retreat offers time to stop, reflect, and renew. We will explore the practices of effort and effortless as a path to well-being.
Together we’ll follow a gentle schedule of sitting and walking meditation, a talk, and some discussion. Anyone looking to begin or deepen a meditation and mindfulness practice is invited to attend.
What is meditation? I like a definition proposed by Zen teacher Dogen, the 13th century founder of Zen in Japan: “The practice I speak of is not meditation. It is simply the dharma gate of repose and bliss…It is the manifestation of ultimate reality…Once its heart is grasped, you are like a dragon when he gains the water, like a tiger when she enters the mountains.”