There is a famous dialogue from the Zen tradition where the students ask the teacher:
“What is the teaching of a lifetime?”
The teacher replies: “An appropriate response.”
The intended lessons from these few lines were probably not aimed at the world of business and leadership but more and more, I’m seeing how broadly applicable this teaching and practice is for the work environment.
One aspect of mindful leadership involves learning to recognize when we’re “appropriately responding” versus inappropriately reacting.
Responding appropriately and skillfully may sound easy or obvious but it is both subtle and profound.
For example, when there is any kind of conflict or disagreement in the workplace, it is very common to react either passively or aggressively. Passive is a common way of avoiding conflict, of not responding, or perhaps under-responding. This generally does not turn out well, for anyone involved.
The other common reaction to conflict and difficulty is aggression or over-reacting. This often involves some form of blame, or a subtle or not so subtle form of attack. Again, this generally turns out badly.
So, what are some ways to respond appropriately to conflict and difficulty? A few that come to mind are:
Be Curious. Try asking for more information by asking questions like: “Can you say more…?” Inquire with curiosity (and not judgement) about someone’s motivation: “Can you tell me why you said that or did that?
Be Present. See if you can stay in the moment with your thoughts and feelings without automatically moving toward judgement or assessment. Be cautious about reaching quickly into the past or the future. Ask yourself: “What’s happening right now?”
Be Clear. Try to speak with as much clarity as possible. Imagine it’s as though every one of your words mattered. (Hint: they do.)
Be Direct. Explore what you are feeling and how this person’s words or actions have impacted you, then communicate that as directly as possible without sugar coating anything. There’s no need to pretend or avoid, or to go on the offensive.
Be Vulnerable. Any of the preceding responses can be forms of vulnerability; in particular being present and direct. Be real. Be human. Be open. Notice if blame comes up. Bring awareness to your common humanity. Notice if wanting to attack or retreat comes up. Use curiosity and presence as tools to get you closer to responding in a way that you’ll be proud of when you look back at the encounter.
To respond appropriately is more than just a strategy. It’s an expression of your heart, your connection, and your identity. It’s also the heart of practice. It’s training yourself to be aware enough, confident enough, and humble enough to not fall into the trap of under-reacting or over-reacting, not being either passive or aggressive.
And that feels like a pretty appropriate response no matter the situation.