Gun violence. Climate change. COVID. Politics. Just some of the events and situations that give us all cause to be frustrated. And that’s not to mention things that are going on in our work and social lives that we don’t like and can’t control.
The fact is, people and events can get complicated. Really complicated. Yet all we want is for things to be simple.
I was just speaking with a doctor friend of mine who told me that several key nurses on his team had resigned, right when some doctors on the team were off sick with COVID. All this happening at a time when patients need their medical services more than ever.
When faced with the complexities that life and other people throw at us, how can we find our ground and a sense of wellbeing without stressing or burning out through sheer frustration?
Well, the good thing is that we can actually shift our relationship with frustration, if we work at it.
Homer Simpson, who’s a terrific mindfulness and leadership expert, shone a light on a possible solution when he gave some advice to his daughter Lisa, after she told him things weren’t going so well at work. Homer said:
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t go on strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
That’s an extreme (and amusing) example of taking control over what frustration can do to us. The choice we often have when it comes to work-related frustrations is either to give up or put up with constant stress and anxiety when faced with challenges and difficulties.
More related insight into how to work effectively with people and events that frustrate us comes from Shunryu Suzuki, the founder of the San Francisco Zen Center. He suggests that:
“To appreciate things and people, our minds need to be calm and clear.”
Zen practice and mindfulness practice both start with the inspiration and aspiration that we can use our imaginations and set intentions for working and living with a calm and clear mind – even when we’re deep in the midst of the most challenging, painful, seemingly impossible and totally frustrating situations.
While we can’t control other people or events, we can influence and be influenced by others. And while we can’t control our minds, we can develop them and aspire for them to be clear and calm even when they aren’t.
It’s this aspiration, and practice, that has the power to change everything.
You can start exploring this by considering what would happen if you created some space between a frustrating person or event and your interpretation of that person or event.
Here’s a poem by Tony Hoagland that can cut through frustration:
The Word
Down near the bottom
of the crossed-out list
of things you have to do today,
between “green thread”
and “broccoli” you find
that you have penciled “sunlight.”
Resting on the page, the word
is as beautiful, it touches you
as if you had a friend
and sunlight were a present
he had sent you from some place distant
as this morning — to cheer you up,
and to remind you that,
among your duties, pleasure
is a thing,
that also needs accomplishing
Do you remember?
that time and light are kinds
of love, and love
is no less practical
than a coffee grinder
or a safe spare tire?
Tomorrow you may be utterly
without a clue
but today you get a telegram,
from the heart in exile
proclaiming that the kingdom
still exists,
the king and queen alive,
still speaking to their children,
–to any one among them
who can find the time,
to sit out in the sun and listen.